How to find the right partner in life

Finding the right partner is hard, and many people have spent years of their lives dedicated to that quest. I’ve put together some thoughts how you might want to go about this to be successful — and happy.

who and sure questions

There are two main questions to be asked: who is the candidate? and are you sure? I will elaborate a bit more how to answer these questions.

existing and new

Looking at the who question, you either know the person already (existing networks) or you don’t (new). In the existing networks, you may consider previous girl/boyfriends, which is probably a bad idea, since it didn’t work before, or you can look at girls/boys that you know but had no emotional relationship before. In the ‘new’ circle, you can either approach circles where there is a clear focus on emotional encounters (such as single events) or simply enter any other network, such as a sports club.

quality and chance

As a consultant I enjoy putting a lot of things in a matrix. In this case, I structured these encounter opportunities along the chance of emotional encounter and the quality of the encounter.

As said, with the ex the chances are likely low if she ended it, and the quality is probably low as well.

With dating, you’ll meet a lot of strangers and might even end up hooking up with them. Quality-wise, you’ll probably need to weed through a lot of candidates until finding a good partner.

When traveling you also meet people but it requires more effort and luck, but the quality might be quite high.

My favorite pick is school/work/hobbies, since you meet a lot of people and they’re likely have a lot of common with you.

you versus others

Having identified a candidate it is now the question whether it is the right one. Basically, you have two options: you decide or you let others decide.

If you decide, you can create a systematic approach or rely on your intuition.

When you let others decide, you could have people in charge who are biased (such as your parents) or who are neutral (such as a matchmaker).


I picked 4 alternatives and rated them according to their accuracy of making the right choice and the satisfaction you’ll get after the choice is made (i.e. satisfaction with the process).

Parents probably make a bad choice, since they have certain opinions about what they would like your life (and wife) to be. But, as in many traditional settings, the spouses can lead a happy life without questioning whether they’ve made the right choice.

A matchmaker might make a really good choice, since she’s done that a thousand times before. But would you really entrust your life to another person?

Creating a criteria catalogue, as in The Rosie Project, will, if done right, make an almost perfect choice. But it might feel a bit clinical and not leave you very satisfied. Have you maybe missed a candidate that would have received an even higher score?

Lastly, intuition gives you approximately a 50% chance of making the right decision. But it surely is the one that feels right and give you the ‘love in a lifetime’ feeling.




For me the conclusion is clear. To find the right partner in life, your chances of success are highest when you look for candidates in your existing networks at school, work or your hobbies and evaluate your candidates using a smart criteria catalogue (don’t hold me accountable for that!). BUT… I believe that you should always go with your intuition, because it has to FEEL right. Now hush, your candidates are awaiting selection!

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